Books, hockey, and a bucketful of snark

So who’s ready for a game of ‘Wuthering Heights Bingo’? Eyes down, here we go. 

Bingo Line # 1 - Windswept Yorkshire Landscape (lone tree, pissy weather and/or isolated farmhouse optional)

Some of the landscapes are rather lovely (look, I’m from there, so I’m biased OK?) and made me a bit homesick, until I remembered all the nightmare camping holidays I spent in the middle of nowhere with sheep trying to get in the tent and rain drumming on the flysheet all bloody night. My copy is bottom-middle, but kudos to bottom-right for cramming all the cliches into one cover.

Bingo Line # 2 - Mardy Bloke, Looking Constipated

So here are the chaps. Blimey what a miserable bunch they are. Come on, publishers; Yorkshiremen can be quite happy and smiley you know. Hey, I’m married to one so I know what I’m talking about. Admittedly they get a bit sulky when the cricket team is losing, but as long as tea and biscuits are available they’re usually pretty cheerful. I have to admit a certain fondness for the Pulp! piss-take version of the Mardy Bloke. 

Bingo Line # 3a – Moody Woman in a Wind Tunnel (bonus points for trees, crap weather, and farmhouses)

And here are the females, all getting a bit blown about and doing that haunted, gormless staring off into the distance thing. I do that too, but it’s usually because I’ve lost my glasses.

Bingo Line # 3b - Woman Who Has Never Been Walking in Yorkshire in Her Entire Life

Yep. This lot probably can't point to Yorkshire on a map, and would all have a fit of the vapours if they stepped in a cowpat. In fact top-right looks as if she's already trodden in something nasty. And dragged her hem through it too. So nasty in fact, that top left can smell it. 

Bingo Line # 4 - loved up couple (more bonus points for trees and/or farmhouses)

I think the loved-up couples are my favourites. They’re either embracing or doing that weird looking in different directions thing, reminiscent of a bad 1980s pop video. And they’re always wearing wildly inappropriate clothing, which is either totally anachronistic, or just not suitable for the Yorkshire weather. Speaking as an expert, that lass in the yellow dress wouldn’t last two minutes trying to get up Whernside. She needs a North Face jacket, sturdy walking boots, and a woolly hat or two. I love the couple who look as if they’re skipping to a picnic. They’re so cute with the bunch of flowers and all.

Anyone shouted “House!” yet?

But give me the clichés any day over these abominations. 

Sigh. So we've got not one, but TWO examples of Headless Historical Woman. Gawd, It's just looking so tired now. The only time it's acceptable is if the book is a Tudor bodice-ripper featuring Anne Boleyn.

The landscapes made me laugh out loud. Gorgeous scenes, but they ain’t Yorkshire. We have rolling hills and bleak moorland. Not fucking great mountains that even the Tour de France contestants would struggle with.

The gravestones are hilarious. A wee bit spoilerish no?

And as for “Bella and Edward’s favourite book”. Are you freaking kidding me?