Books, hockey, and a bucketful of snark

Being the musings of a Yorkshire lass living in the USA. I'm a book geek, bird nerd, grammar Nazi, and hockey nut.  Sarcasm is my default setting. 

Reading progress update: I've read 9%.

The Windflower - Tom Curtis, Sharon Curtis, Laura London

So the unicorn Our Heroine dreamt about when she was a little girl has returned to her dreams now she's 18....

 

"Then it left her dreams and hadn't returned for years - until last night. It had burst through the window in a frightening rush of energy, glass flying everywhere, and it had reared in the corner of room, pawing and snorting, looking bigger than it had been before, its muscles white and glistening beneath its creamy hide, its chest broad and heaving, its horn poised and thick..."

 

Over to you Dr Freud.

I've posted pictures before of the Boston ducklings wearing sporting gear to celebrate the city's sports teams. But today they're wearing something even more awesome. They are all wearing pink pussyhats in solidarity with the thousands of people in the US and around the world who are taking part in the Women's March.

 

Arrgh Pirates!

The Windflower - Tom Curtis, Sharon Curtis, Laura London

According to my Mum, this is an oldie, but a goodie. 

 

And according to my husband, I've completely lost my mind. He's not used to seeing me reading books with semi-naked men on the cover.

 

 

Romance Bingo 2017 - First Square

Woot! Got me a square. Thanks Kilt Dude!

 

 

Man in Kilt - The Ranger, Monica McCarty

 

Finished it!

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

So at the last update, our Hero had been tortured and thrown into a hole to be eaten by rats. But some of the Chippendales turned up and rescued him. This took about three paragraphs and all my, 'but how did they manage that?' questions got hand-waved away. I'm assuming they're just that good.

 

Anyway, it's time to return to Moonlight's checklist. Are we going to tick everything off? I do believe we are.

 

Moonlight Reader's How To Tell If You're In A Highland Guard Novel

 

There will be some insurmountable obstacle that makes your marriage to the Hero impossible. Check (being the daughter of the Hero’s sworn enemy is pretty insurmountable. Plus he told you he was going to kill him. That is NOT going to put him in your good books). Nonetheless, it will be surmounted. Check. (Ahh, he didn't kill your Dad after all; just gave him a ticking off and sent him away.)

 

You will be exceptionally fertile, and will give birth precisely two books in the future. Check. (She's already pregnant, but does this mean I still have to read book 5?) Your husband will be exceptionally faithful, in spite of the hotness and the muscles. Check. He will be mocked by the unmarried members of the Highland Guard for this faithfulness. Check.

 

The one who mocks him the most is the one who will fall in love next. (OK, so that’ll be the moody bugger who glowers a lot)

 

You will live happily ever after in a drafty castle in medieval Scotland. Check. (How fortunate that the castle your Dad was kicked out of is now available, and judging by the amount of baths people were taking in there, it appears to have central heating and hot and cold running water - seriously, I think Ms McCarty’s image of a medieval Scottish castle is probably very far removed from the reality).

 

The End

 

Hoo boy! Romance is definitely not my genre, but this was actually a lot of fun. I mean, yeah it seemed as if they all stood around in their undercrackers while flexing their muscles, but at least there was no risible attempt at Scottish dialect (looking at you Ms Gabaldon). And there were some anachronisms, and the author plays a bit fast and loose with Scottish history, but hey, I didn't read this to be educated, I read it to be entertained. And entertained I most certainly was.

 

Now if someone could recommend me a book for the 'Arrgh Pirates' square, I'd be very grateful.

Reading progress update: I've read 80%.

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

OH NOES!! More peril! Our hero has been discovered and thrown into a dungeon and tortured by the moustache-twirling villain. 

 

Can our feisty, yet vulnerable heroine rescue him before it's too late? Well no she can't cuz she'd spoil her hair, but luckily a few of the Chippendales are available. Phew. 

Reading progress update: I've read 75%.

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

OK, so where we? Ah yes. **reaches for Moonlight's checklist**

 

Moonlight Reader's How to Tell if You're in a Highland Guard Novel

 

There will be a moment when you both realize that your genitals are on fire for each other. Check

That moment will probably occur while you are in peril. You are being chased by the English. You have been captured by the English and are moments away from death. You are being tracked by the English, and they have dogs. Check (no dogs, but still plenty of peril).

In spite of that peril, your eyes and your lips will lock. Your vagina will combust. The only thing that will be able to slake the flames is penetrative sex involving the Hero. Check.

His penis will be enormous. You will compare it to an iron spike in your mind. This will terrify you. Check (It's huge, and yes, she did compare it to a spike). 

This is also why there will be no Hero named Spike. Because that name is taken. By penises.

You are a virgin. Nonetheless, when the Hero takes your virginity in a location that is not a bed, is probably a stone floor or a storeroom, or possibly a forest where it is snowing, and is absolutely not comfortable for sex, you will have an orgasm. Nay, you will have several. Check (storeroom floor for the win).

 

Basically we're playing Highland Guard Bingo. Just a few more squares to go, and I'm confident they will all be ticked off. 

Reading progress update: I've read 20%.

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

So how are we doing with Moonlight's checklist?

 

Moonlight Reader's How To Tell If You're In A Highland Guard Novel    

 

You are surrounded by men in kilts, all of whom have a nickname that is one word, and refers to their prowess as a warrior. Check

 

You are not the Hero's type, but he is inexplicably attracted to you. Also, you are not conventionally beautiful, you are the most beautiful woman in the room, or you are plain as a pikestaff. Check (sapphire-eyed AND with tumbling golden locks dontcha know).

 

No matter which of these three is true, he will still want to swive you. Check. Constantly. Check (so much swiving!)

 

He will be good with his sword. Check. That is not necessarily a double entendre. Wait, yes it is. Check. (And it most certainly is a double entendre).

 

You will mentally notice that he has very big muscles. Check. You will mentally notice that this is hot. Check. You will respond to all of these muscles and this noticing by ignoring him and pretending that he's not hot. Check. And you are not attracted. Check and check.

 

To be continued....

 

For something that I would normally dismiss as a complete load of tosh, I'm immensely entertained by it. Which is more than can be said for Outlander.

 

Reading progress update: I've read 2%.

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

OK, as far as I can make out, the Highland Guard is really a bunch of Chippendales in kilts.

 

Reading Habits

Yay! It's Tag Time. Thank you @SpookysHouseofBooks

 

And here are my reading habits.

 

Do you have a certain place in your home for reading?

 

I read anywhere, but if my husband happens to be watching TV, I will go into the bedroom and curl up in my special ‘reading chair’ (unless the Ginger Ninja has got there before me).

 

 

Bookmark or random piece of paper?

 

Well I actually collect bookmarks, but I’m afraid I tend to use random bits of paper or, horror of horrors, I turn the corner down.

 

Can you just stop reading or do you have to stop read after a chapter / certain number of pages?

 

I prefer to stop at a natural point in the story, but if it looks as if the chapter is about to go on forever, I’ll just stop.

 

Do you eat or drink while you read?

 

Yep. I love having a coffee and a slice of cake to hand while I’m reading, and in the evening a glass of bourbon always goes down well. I used to read at the dinner table as a child, and as you can see from my Christmas Day photo, I haven’t got out of the habit.

 

 

Multitasking: music or TV while reading?

 

As long as it’s playing quietly, I like listening to music while I’m reading. But I can’t concentrate if it’s a play, quiz show, or interview. As for TV, again if it’s quiet I’m OK, but anything sports-related or loud my concentration goes out of the window.

 

One book at a time or several at once?

 

I used to have several books on the go, but nowadays prefer to have just one or two.

 

Reading at home or everywhere?

 

Everywhere! My e-reader lives in my handbag

 

Reading out loud or silently in your head?

 

Silently, but I do shout at characters if I think they deserve it. Looking at you, Angel Clare.

 

Do you read ahead or even skip pages?

 

NO! Good grief what kind of animal do you think I am!!?

 

Breaking the spine or keeping it like new?

 

I try and keep them like new, but I also like the look of my very battered much-loved favourites.

 

Do you write in your books?

 

No (unless it was one I was studying and needed to highlight certain bits), but I do use the highlight feature on my Kindle. And I hate it when I see someone has scribbled on a library book. Though it does make me laugh when the scribbler has corrected a mistake, which actually isn't a mistake.

 

Reading progress update: I've read 2%.

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

And we're off!

 

I've got Moonlight's handy guide to reading a Highland Guard novel, and you won't be surprised to learn, the hero's penis has already metaphorically exploded after just one glance at the stupendously beautiful heroine.

 

http://moonlightreader.booklikes.com/post/960210/how-to-tell-if-you-re-in-a-highland-guard-novel

 

 

Romance Bingo 2017

The Ranger - Monica McCarty

Phew! Thank heavens for Goodreads and a very helpful list called Men in Kilts. 

DNF - but will probably pick it up again at some point

Hild - Nicola Griffith

I've been enjoying this, but it's quite detailed and slow-moving and unfortunately the library said I wasn't allowed to renew it for a third time, so I've had to return it. 

 

But I took the opportunity to check out a Kilt Dude book. 

Doing my happy dance!

Booklikes is working again, and you know what's coming next....

 

 

 

 

You all started without me!

 

OK, so I'm a bit late to the party, but Valentine Kitteh is ready to go.

 

Bring on the Romance Bingo (oh god, I'm so out of my depth with this one). 

 

 

RIP Richard Adams

Watership Down - Richard Adams

Sad to hear about the death of Richard Adams. 

 

Watership Down was one of the first 'grown up' books I read. I was nine years old, and it scared me to death, gave me nightmares, and made me cry my eyes out. It is one of favourite books.


"It seemed to Hazel that he would not be needing his body any more, so he left it lying on the edge of the ditch, but stopped for a moment to watch his rabbits and to try to get used to the extraordinary feeling that strength and speed were flowing inexhaustibly out of him into their sleek young bodies and healthy senses.


"You needn't worry about them," said his companion. "They'll be alright - and thousands like them."

 

I tear up every time I read that particular passage. RIP Mr Adams. 

Currently reading

The Windflower
Tom Curtis, Sharon Curtis, Laura London
Progress: 9 %
The Golden Notebook: A Novel
Doris Lessing
Progress: 20 %
The Luminaries
Eleanor Catton
Progress: 31 %
Hild
Nicola Griffith
Progress: 387/560 pages
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Ray Bradbury
Progress: 23 %