Books, hockey, and a bucketful of snark

OK, so where we? Ah yes. **reaches for Moonlight's checklist**

Moonlight Reader's How to Tell if You're in a Highland Guard Novel

There will be a moment when you both realize that your genitals are on fire for each other. Check. 

That moment will probably occur while you are in peril. You are being chased by the English. You have been captured by the English and are moments away from death. You are being tracked by the English, and they have dogs. Check (no dogs, but still plenty of peril).

In spite of that peril, your eyes and your lips will lock. Your vagina will combust. The only thing that will be able to slake the flames is penetrative sex involving the Hero. Check.

His penis will be enormous. You will compare it to an iron spike in your mind. This will terrify you. Check (It's huge, and yes, she did compare it to a spike). 

This is also why there will be no Hero named Spike. Because that name is taken. By penises.

You are a virgin. Nonetheless, when the Hero takes your virginity in a location that is not a bed, is probably a stone floor or a storeroom, or possibly a forest where it is snowing, and is absolutely not comfortable for sex, you will have an orgasm. Nay, you will have several. Check (storeroom floor for the win).

Basically we're playing Highland Guard Bingo. Just a few more squares to go, and I'm confident they will all be ticked off.